Its official! I am running for President! You have to get a write in ballot and put my name in on Election Day! And we’re changing the slogan to 5 for Al by Friday. All you gotta do is nod your head yes and tell 5 people, “you can tell 5 people to vote Honest Al by Friday, Right?” Then they tell 5 people and they’ll tell 5 people… There’s no way we can lose.
Official Campaign Rhetoric:
First thing as president is that I’m gonna fix the broken wheel on the shopping cart known as our economy. I’ll appoint Trump PooBah of Commerce and Finance! He’s gonna make a deal with China then then have the company he used to make the deal with file bankruptcy. It’ll be great for our country, and Americans will get a fresh start again. Then for shits and giggles, we’re going to bomb them with skittles laced with LSD and release a herd of Giraffes in dinosaur costumes.
Next, as President I too will build a wall at the border! Either that or we’ll invade Mexico and trade them smallpox taco shells for coffee beans, then as they’re getting sick well just take their land and rename it America 2.0! America 2.0 will rock!
When I’m president no more babies are to be born for three years. Any illegal or extremely ugly babies will be tossed over the wall. They are too much maintenance and are way too often found laying in resort hotels and beaches… They haven’t earned a vacation yet! It’s either that… or we cut loose the Mobile Euthanasia Van and put down some of these elderly folks that have one foot in the hole already!
When I’m president you will need a license to breed! There will be an IQ test and a well defined basic “Common Sense” test! Yes, we will finally define core common sense standards at different levels. If you are living on welfare and want kids, we’ll counsel you to work your way to independence and home ownership. Then once you’ve stood on your own 2 years. Reproduce away. Babies born outside of these parameters will be tossed over the wall into Mexico or America 2.0 whichever way that deal plays out.
No more children on the beach or in hotels until age 16 and they have a valid work permit and 200 hours in service on their job. It will be acceptable to leave kids in the parking lot secured in the car, provided the windows are cracked and they have 2 liters of water per day. Finer hotels are already gearing up for this service with private parking lots with monitoring and diaper changing services.
When I’m president were going to take Canada Back and make them provide free health care and maple Syrup! In exchange, we’re going to share the good coffee beans with them and set them straight on what real bacon is… Either that or we build a wall at that border too and use it to eliminate our prisons by throwing all the criminals over that wall!
I have a full blown plan for all of this. Charlie sheen and I will commit it to paper after the election. I also have plenty of resources to make this all happen. Well not now, but when I’m president I’ll have your tax money!
Watch for more “Honest Al’s Campaign Rhetoric” coming soon. And Don’t forget to tell 5 friends!
Al Leskovar Jr.